Sometimes the right thing seems so clear and then once I’ve gotten deep into it, I realize the right thing might not be so right. There was a certain person who I really admired, but they didn’t seem to admire me. What’s new there? She would essentually ignore me or make it a point to go out of their way to avoid me, but I wasn’t smart enough to see what was happening. I kept on trying to be a friend.
Then one day the fog began to lift and I realized I was not really all that welcome in their circle. they’d ignore me or talk around me when we’d meet on the street or in a business, but when I was with my wife, they’d be really nice to her. they’d talk to me when I was with her. That started to really piss me off. I decided I would help them out in their Avoidance. I decided to avoid them. I would do the same thing they did to me, so when they came up to my wife and I… I’d ignore them and walk off. I avoided them when we met on the street and would just give short “Hi’s” and what ever little it took to avoid any contact of any length. Well it worked, because they started to say “Hi!” when they didn’t need too. The problem was that I was in no mood to take up being a friend with them again.
Well, it’s a lonely world out there when you become the Asshole like everyone else that treats people that way. I remember reading the chapter in Jennette Winterson’s book, “Art and Lies” about How The Dead Reproduce Themselves. Slowly the abused begins to become more and more like the abuser and before long the dead has become yourself. I was horrified to see what I was doing.
I prayed a short prayer to god to help me out of the hole I’d dug for myself. I wanted a way to break the ice berg I’d created between me and this person. I couldn’t change the way they felt about me, but by god, I could do something about my actions. I didn’t have to ever like this person, but I had to stop being like they were.
Today I found a good excuse to go up to this person and start a neutral conversation to break the ice that had came up between us. The visit was pleasant and I feel much better for having done it. Personally, I don’t care what they think of me. They can just go on as before. I won’t spend one instant of my time trying to get them to like me. That will be up to them. I can’t help anyone choose their friends. I will be pleasant, make eye contact and respond, but the friendship will be up to them.
I thanked god for her help.
